Carmel Magazine

G rammar is a new best friend of mine; one I love, but who is hard to understand sometimes. She is also a friend whose back I love to stab when I disagree with her. Grammar's rules are strict—she doesn't tolerate errors well. But, when you are "in the groove" with her, she sure can make you look and sound good. I am getting my master's degree in Creative Writing at San Jose State University. Inspired by the chance Carmel Magazine Publisher Steve Snider took on me and this column a few years ago, I thought it made sense to invest time in improving this craft. Because my bachelor's degree is in Broadcasting (as opposed to English), I am paying a special penance in pursuit of a mas- ter's: I must take 24 units of upper- division undergrad English classes. As in, "there's an old lady among the young 'uns." Gag me with a clause! The first few weeks were enter- taining enough. I was the oldest, by a long shot, in two of my classes and the second-oldest in another. I had no backpack. My rear-end was not hanging out of extremely short-shorts, and I had no neon streaks in my hair. But, as the classes gelled I became just like the others…often confused, overwhelmed and excited to learn. Students say English 103 is the toughest course offered in the English department at SJSU. Why I decided to take it after being out of the university sys- tem for 25 years is beyond me. But it sounded appealing to learn about what the class catalog described as, "The growth and structure of modern English, including its phonology, mor- phology, syntax and semantics." Little did I know, there was an assumed knowledge that I had a clue about the Oxford comma, relative clauses and why not to use gerunds. I hadn't heard of the acronym FANBOYS, nor could I identify preposi- tional phrases well. My professor, a statuesque senior-citizen with a Black Belt in karate, whipped me and the others into shape like a drill sergeant. She told us the class entailed 12-15 hours of homework a week, and she wasn't joking. The gram- mar challenge was on, but so was another type of struggle: this one in listening to day-to-day speech. It's been a long time since I have been immersed in large groups of people on a daily basis. I was surprised how Standard American English—the version we speak in our part of the country—had morphed into a mosh-pit of overused colloqui- alisms, aphorisms and plain old lazy phrases. I am guilty of all of it. I am not erudite. My speech is peppered with plenty of slang and too many curse words. But, being around people who had to speak out loud, and having to do so myself, put a spotlight on a few phrases that should be weeded out of our speech. First, if we could just delete the phrase "you guys," the world, or at least our little corner of it, would be a better place. The Oxford dictionary defines the word guy as, "a man." The phrase is fine when we address our buddies, or a group of young men from Carmel High, but, if one more person asks a group of older women, "How are you guys?" I may scream. (Imagine ask- ing a group of men, "How you gals doin'?"). Now on to the more obvious. Here is a list of words and phrases I became acutely aware of (or is it "of which I became acutely aware?") Like: If you are under the age of 50, please mind your "likes." I'm not talking about on your Facebook page. Teacher : Did you like the protagonist? Student: I, like, thought, like, he was, like, I don't know, like, odd. Translation: No. He was odd. If you are over 50, look out for "you know?" Friend A: What do you think of the new parking meters in town? Friend B: You know, I think that, you know, they are a pain, but, you know, they have some purpose, you know? Translation: They are a pain but they have a purpose. So many grammatical crutches make our speech less clear, less effective, less fun to hear. Take note—just for a few hours—of how many of these fillers just make it muddy! Make some time to cleanse your palate. Dina Eastwood is a former news anchor at KSBW TV, past host of "Candid Camera" and has starred on a reality show on the E! Network. She is a writer, editor and yogini. She resides on the Monterey Peninsula with her daughter, Morgan. BEHIND THE SPOTLIGHT D I N A E A S T W O O D Like: If you are under the age of 50, please mind your "likes." I'm not talking about on your Facebook page. The Future Queen of Merriam-Webster 38 C A R M E L M A G A Z I N E • W I N T E R 2 0 1 5

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