Retail Observer

March 2017

The Retail Observer is an industry leading magazine for INDEPENDENT RETAILERS in Major Appliances, Consumer Electronics and Home Furnishings

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RETAILOBSERVER.COM MARCH 2017 40 Libby Wagner Culture Coach Libby Wagner, author of The Influencing Option: The Art of Building a Profit Culture in Business, works with clients to help them create and sustain Profit Cultures www.libbywagner.com. RO L ong ago, I had a good friend whose family was dynamic, loving and often in disagreement. This was very uncomfortable for my friend, the matriarch of the family. Her husband was opinionated and preferred to be in the position of knowing the answers and providing help. As her sons grew older and began forming their own world views and opinions, they wanted to push back on their father's ideas and assertions. Almost every family has this dynamic and it's part of growing and developing from an adolescent to an adult. On the one hand, we want our children to become self-sufficient, thinking beings; on the other hand, maybe it's better if they think like we do? Often, at family gatherings, my friend's husband and sons would engage in vociferous debate. This was always tense for her, as she was a self-proclaimed conflict avoider wherever she went: family, friends and work. She secretly wished that everyone would just be nice to each other and get along. Conflict and disagreement are stressful! Emotions such as fear, anxiety, stress, defensiveness, and confusion can be touchy to navigate. When her family's voices began to elevate, so did her own stress levels. To divert attention (or create a distraction), she'd often announce loudly, "Does anyone want pie?" It's funny to think of it now, but often we do this when we are uncomfortable with the emotional content of a conversation or situation. In a family, we often care about working it out and will do our best to show patience, empathy and caring. We can take a "time out" or a "walk" and come back to more calm ground for discussion, or we might sacrifice our point of view for the sake of the relationship. At work, the dynamic can be similar, such as a more experienced or senior team member sees things in a particular way and struggles to shift or change. Or, personality styles and conflicts show up and people just seem to rub each other the wrong way. Some constraints in the relationships or the environment make the navigation of challenging emotional terrain tricky. As a leader, for what are you responsible? How can you manage high-stakes emotional situations? • Feelings are part of the human condition, which means they are part of the workplace. Though Tom Hanks surely got a lot of laughs for his famous line in A League of Their Own, yelling out the equivalent of "THERE'S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL!" in the hopes that your co-workers or employees will leave their emotional selves out in the parking lot won't work. This doesn't mean we have full-out emotional chaos and emoting for the sake of emoting, but most of the time, the workplace is way at the other end of the spectrum: we expect people to have no emotion at all, other than an occasional happy or excited feeling. Developing your capacity for demonstrating empathy (showing that you understand what someone is feeling and why they feel that way) can actually de-escalate a highly emotional situation and create a calmer atmosphere for resolution or discussion. • The "Anyone want pie?" method is not a long-term, sustainable solution because it avoids the recognition of the situation as it is: people are upset or in conflict with each other. Many times, a subconscious desire we have when we are upset or strongly asserting ourselves is that we want to feel understood: we want to be seen and heard. Often, when I work with teams as a group or even in mediation between people in conflict or misunderstanding, I just help them hear each other. How can you create a safe space for people to express what's going on with them, while also keeping the overall work goals and mission in mind? We are here in relationship with each other at work because we are trying to accomplish something together: the success of our organization. Most of the time, if we are able to create an environment that's honest and pragmatic, people feel relieved—they feel better for acknowledging the truth and practicing transparency. This takes courage from the leader! • Find common ground. In a family, often the common ground is that people want to have positive, loving relationships with each other. Or, they want to be able to enjoy time together without fighting or dissent. Or, maybe they want to be close and rely on each other. Regardless, identifying their common ground can help them navigate conflict and hear and see one another towards an agreed-upon resolution. Even if the resolution is "we agree to disagree," there can be a recognition and honoring of how they will behave together. At work, the common ground is generally, and at a minimum, two things: the common mission/goals of the organization, team, or project and a common desire to have a positive, productive working relationship. Both of those (or even one) can provide leverage for a coming together and a way of seeing something in the future that's worth working toward and resolving. MANAGING HIGH-STAKES EMOTIONS: ANYONE WANT SOME PIE?

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