Issue link: https://www.e-digitaleditions.com/i/554642
"Well, I think you boys ought'a be okay as far as the snakes and spiders go," he assured them, as he adjusted his ratty old suspenders. "It's winter, you see, and most of the really nasty ones have already migrated south. But now, as for the crocodiles . . . " he continued, with a faux look of concern as he tugged on his scruffy chin whiskers, his voice growing suddenly more serious. "Yes . . . ???" Chad interrupted anxiously. Goof hates being interrupted. "Well, son," Goof said slyly after a well-timed and barely perceptible pause, "you see, crocodiles aren't the problem 'round here. What you really need to watch out for are the armadillos." Goof had now transitioned to mustache twirling. "Armadillos?" Chad parroted incredulously, in what I took to be a rather skeptical and condescending tone. "Oh yes!" Goof assured him. "The state really doesn't publicize it, but here in north Florida, just as many people die each year from armadillo bites as from crocodile attacks. Naaasty critters, armadillos. Eat stuff that would make a buzzard puke. Carry bacteria in their teeth so lethal that it'll do away with you in a matter of hours if it gets in your system. Sneaky little scutters too. Sometimes run alone, sometimes in pairs—sometimes in whole packs. Start jumpin' and twitchin' sideways when they get agitated, 'specially just before they attack." Goof then proceeded to demonstrate their combat moves. "Yeah, you boys keep an eye out for them armadillos," he warned, then momentarily turned away. Sir Edward looked sternly at Chad and nodded knowingly. "Where you fellas from, Mr. Alice?" Goof asked politely, deftly changing the subject. "It's Toaraster-Alice," Sir Ed quickly corrected. "West Midlands, northwest of Birmingham. Young Chad here lives in London." "Hunted much?" Goof inquired, as he dipped a shoulder toward the good gent. "Oh, quite!" Sir Edward assured. Then for the rest of the day and well into the evening, we heard tale after tale from Africa to Alaska to Austria and Australia and all points in between. Four a.m. came mighty early. G oof had quite the spread laid out for us, a full English breakfast with eggs fried, ham, marmalade, toast—plus tarpon patties, palmetto relish, and smoked squirrel sausage that he swore Mrs. Goof had made all by herself. By first light the boys from Britain were each well fed and securely ensconced in their respective treestands. Goof picked them up for lunch at 11:15, and I wandered in around 1:30. I had killed a smallish 90-pound hog, perfect eating size, and passed up a young forkhorn. Chad and Sir Edward hadn't seen any deer or hogs, S P O R T I N G C L A S S I C S 8 8